How to Lose a National Election: 201

If you’re going to go to Screw Up Your Campaign University you will have to take its curriculum. The first class, required by all freshmen, How to Blow Up Your Campaign in a Spectacular Fashion by Trying to Outsmart Everyone Else is a 101-level class and is taught by Rudy Giuliani. The second class, an easy A, is How to Lose a National Election by Being Too Lazy to Try and Campaign is taught by Fred Thompson. Now comes the much harder second-year classes on how to lose a national campaign. This requires special effort. Gary Hart is teaching one of the classes on how to challenge the media to find your girlfriend while denying that you have a girlfriend. The next class is very special. You must have a candidate who is somewhat witty and is extremely successful in private life. The candidate must never say anything of substance. The candidate should repackage old ideas in order to get national traction. Once the candidate gets national attention and begins to jump ahead in the polls, the candidate should release a tax plan that is really rehashing old ideas which were rejected 20 – 30 years ago, but package it with a cute title. Next, the candidate should have some sort of vague sex scandal. The scandal should instantly remind older voters of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Then, instead of squashing the scandal by giving a clear, crisp and precise answer as soon as the scandal breaks, the candidate and his surrogates should give multiple different answers which only muddy the water. The candidate should put out an ad that features a surrogate smoking a cigarette. The ad should look so odd as to make the viewer completely forget what the message is and simply focus on the man smoking a cigarette (see video below). Finally, you should probably have some sort of campaign finance scandal which appeals to even the casual voter to reek of cronyism and break campaign finance laws. This course can only be taught by Herman Cain.

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  1. I wonder why they thought anyone would care about this guy’s credibility in saying he so believes in Cain.

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Errington C. Thompson, MD

Dr. Thompson is a surgeon, scholar, full-time sports fan and part-time political activist. He is active in a number of community projects and initiatives. Through medicine, he strives to improve the physical health of all he treats.

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The Thirteeneth Juror

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