non-fertilized egg after being activated by Repellin

I would like to clearly describe a newly discovered hormone called Repellin. This hormone is found in high concentrations, but only in virtuous women. This mysterious hormone explains the thoughtful and insightful comments of representative Todd Akin who stated that legitimate rape rarely causes pregnancy. This remarkable hormone works in multiple different ways.

First of all, it is incredibly important for me to emphasize that this hormone is only found in virtuous women. Non-virtuous women do not have this hormone. Virtuous women can excrete this hormone at high concentrations from their pituitary gland. The hormone, Repellin, has been found to have multiple actions. The primary action of this hormone is on the unfertilized egg. Repellin binds to receptors in the mitochondria and causes the mobilization of heavy metals including zinc, iron and nickel. These metals form an impenetrable outer layer which actually causes sperm to bounce off the egg.

Secondly, Repellin has been found to also have direct action on the uterine wall. If, by some freak of nature, the egg becomes fertilized Repellin causes the uterine wall to secrete a substance called Teflon. This prevents the fertilized egg from implantation. Once the Teflon layer has been secreted, the fertilized egg passes harmlessly out of the uterus.

Calcium Spikes like the ones seen in Men in Black 3

Finally, and most importantly, Repellin, if secreted early enough, has direct action in the bulbocavernosus muscle which surrounds the entrance of the vagina. This remarkable hormone causes the formation of calcium spikes which form on either side of the vaginal opening from the bulbocavernosus muscle. These calcium spikes act as a trap (a “beaver trap,” if you will) in order to capture and hold the violating organ in place. Interestingly, this hormone will continue to be secreted until the body detects metallic handcuffs on the attacker’s wrists. The metallic handcuffs somehow signal the metallic spikes to recede. The exact mechanism of this is still being studied by scientists. If the police use zip ties in order to restrain the attacker the calcium spikes continue to hold the attacker in place.

Sadly, there is no such hormone. Rape is all too common in the United States. It is extremely underreported for a number of reasons. Representative Todd Akin only voiced an opinion which is widely held in conservative circles. Virtuous women do not get raped. Conservatives believe that only promiscuous women who “asked for it” get raped. Nothing could be further from the truth. It should also be noted that we are all physiologic creatures. It is nice to think that we are evolved humans who have control, total control, of all of our physiologic functions, but we don’t. When we have to go to the bathroom, we have to go to the bathroom. There’s no amount of willpower that’s going to stop that physiologic necessity. The same thing happens with sex. There are physiologic responses that simply happen whether we want them to or not. With enough of the “right” stimulation, a man or a woman can get aroused. It doesn’t matter whether you like the stimulation or whether you like the person who’s doing the stimulating. It is a physiologic response. We need to understand this.